It's amazing what reading some philosophy and paying attention to what you're feeling will do for you. I asked myself a simple question over the weekend, right before I put on a padded helmet and got in a gunfight in the rain and mud, at night. I asked "why?" Why the shit do I like this? Why did I show up? What makes me train with (what I consider to be) focus and intensity? What has changed in me over the last 5 years?
Well, the most obvious reason is that I enjoy it. Sure I have days where I'd rather drink beer and play video games. Instead I show up and do the work. But I choose these hobbies and outlets because I enjoy them and I think they are important skills to have in this world. That parlays in to the next reason... I fought hard to remain alive, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some piece of scum take that away from me cheaply. But those are the obvious ones. The others take some inward focus.
The guys I look up to and want to impress are supermen. Dudes with seemingly unlimited strengths and skill-sets, who are well read, and fun to talk to. They are my life goal markers. To be a subject matter expert in many subjects is a goal I think everyone should aspire to. I have basically picked my supermen for all the aspects of my life, including relationships, intellect, fighting, shooting, and several others. I'm just scrambling to feel 'good enough' to talk among them. Now that I think of it, I may have a pretty solid inferiority complex... Trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough might be a part of it too.
I think it's also partially a want to be revered by my peers. It is a selfish thing, but it feels good when people say "man, you're doing great!" I got my first taste of that when someone in a class found out I was sick with the big C and taking a pistol class. They would tell me how much of a warrior I was, and so on. It felt good, but it also felt like I was trying to wring sympathy out of my personal bullshit. It's probably a bit of a crutch of mine. A sympathy getter. I try to not bring that up anymore, and try to let my hard work and dedication to my arts speak for me. Though the changes in my outlook that being sick gave me have permanently changed how I do business.
I'm going to die. I have a very very high awareness of this. I don't know if I'm out of the woods from cancer in my life. As a matter of fact, I have a nearly constant (but fading) tapping on my shoulder about this. I feel like the other foot is always about to drop, and I'll get a checkup and something will be wrong. This makes my outlook very time compressed. If I check out in 5 years, will I feel accomplished? I'm trying to do what I can do so that is the case. I'm jamming as much experience into as short a time as possible. I'm racing a sand timer, and I can't see the top half of it. Either I'll check out soon and feel like I didn't squander it, or I'll live to be 85 and have done more in my life than three men. I'm OK with both of those, but would prefer the later.
Well, the most obvious reason is that I enjoy it. Sure I have days where I'd rather drink beer and play video games. Instead I show up and do the work. But I choose these hobbies and outlets because I enjoy them and I think they are important skills to have in this world. That parlays in to the next reason... I fought hard to remain alive, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some piece of scum take that away from me cheaply. But those are the obvious ones. The others take some inward focus.
The guys I look up to and want to impress are supermen. Dudes with seemingly unlimited strengths and skill-sets, who are well read, and fun to talk to. They are my life goal markers. To be a subject matter expert in many subjects is a goal I think everyone should aspire to. I have basically picked my supermen for all the aspects of my life, including relationships, intellect, fighting, shooting, and several others. I'm just scrambling to feel 'good enough' to talk among them. Now that I think of it, I may have a pretty solid inferiority complex... Trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough might be a part of it too.
I think it's also partially a want to be revered by my peers. It is a selfish thing, but it feels good when people say "man, you're doing great!" I got my first taste of that when someone in a class found out I was sick with the big C and taking a pistol class. They would tell me how much of a warrior I was, and so on. It felt good, but it also felt like I was trying to wring sympathy out of my personal bullshit. It's probably a bit of a crutch of mine. A sympathy getter. I try to not bring that up anymore, and try to let my hard work and dedication to my arts speak for me. Though the changes in my outlook that being sick gave me have permanently changed how I do business.
I'm going to die. I have a very very high awareness of this. I don't know if I'm out of the woods from cancer in my life. As a matter of fact, I have a nearly constant (but fading) tapping on my shoulder about this. I feel like the other foot is always about to drop, and I'll get a checkup and something will be wrong. This makes my outlook very time compressed. If I check out in 5 years, will I feel accomplished? I'm trying to do what I can do so that is the case. I'm jamming as much experience into as short a time as possible. I'm racing a sand timer, and I can't see the top half of it. Either I'll check out soon and feel like I didn't squander it, or I'll live to be 85 and have done more in my life than three men. I'm OK with both of those, but would prefer the later.
That's all the reasons that I can think of for now. I'll add more if I come up with any.
Bro you nailed this one. A feeling I often have and it is overwhelming at times is of wasting time. I am lazy by nature. Combined with other things, like job related stress, I am even more lazy (If that is possible). Take today for example, I basically did nothing but hang out at the house. The only accomplishment for the day will be when I get my workout in. One of my biggest goals is to get out of this rut of doing nothing and make my time mean something.
ReplyDeleteYou should take up a hobby unrelated to your job/current hobbies. But that's easier said than done. I'd feel like I should be doing dryfire instead of playing golf or something. We're at different points of our journey, but that's why it's good for us to talk. Thanks for replying. I appreciate it.
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