Looking like a skinny guy

I have spent the majority of my adult life wanting to look "big". I grew up watching my dad lift weights, watching "Pumping Iron" over and over, and deciding that I wanted to be big and strong. I followed this path from 16 until I was about 21. I lifted hard (albeit bodybuilding lifts, and not strength lifts), ate a lot, and grew like a developing body should. I was, at my heaviest, about 230 lbs, with probably average-high body fat (my guess is 17-20%). I had big biceps and broad shoulders. But I always felt like it wasn't big enough. In retrospect, it was like I was chasing an imaginary goal that kept moving the closer I got. With my shirt off, I felt fat (I was). I figured if I did enough dips and squats, I would either lose the belly, or get so muscular that maybe no one would notice my belly. Needless to say, that never seemed to work or make me feel fulfilled. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I realize that lots of people have this issue during puberty and early adulthood, but I feel I was hanging out in this zero-confidence, self-conscious zone that wasn't healthy for me.

Then I went into my dark ages. I assumed I was a goner, and didn't want to waste time lifting. I figured it was a waste of hours. So I did the other thing I like doing... eating. The lack of working out allowed me to atrophy, and the surplus of food let me maintain my weight! Yipee! Now I was fat and weak. But if I'm fair to myself, I had bigger fish to fry, like surviving.

Fast forward to early 2010. A chain of internet events occurs that primes my pump for greatness. I've written about those before, so I won't rehash. Let's summarize it and say I had a massive shift in outlook and was able to shed a good amount of fitness and health bro-science I had internalized in my previous life. I met some people (MikeD. and the rest of my training group being primary among them), who took a liking to me, supported me, and challenged me to do new and uncomfortable things.

Fast forward to today. I weigh 180 lbs. With a shirt on, I look like a skinny guy. Granted, my legs are still pretty big. I think that's genetic, and maybe because I used to like to squat. But I look smaller. However, with my shirt off, I look better. Dare I say good?

My mom summed it up best. She told me, "Honey, I think this is how you are supposed to look". I agree with her.